Dogs and Decisions

This past week was my week off and as I spend every other week in the wilderness in a suvival situation each week off is highly anticipated and sometimes needed in order to relax and recharge. After being home for less than 24 hours and hardly sleeping a wink the Anasazi offices called and asked if I could take some of the new Sinagua Walkers (18+ clients) out into the field for their first four days before depositing them in the group with the rest of the Sinagua Walkers. My task is simple, to help them gain the basic skills they will need and set up the context of the program.

I arrived in the field with three new Sinagua Walkers and hiked down into camp. That night a yellow lab showed up on the scene and he was an ineresting character to say the least! Plenty of energy... and he couldnt just sit by you... he wanted to get as close to your face as possible with, not just his face, but, his whole body!

Eventually he calmed down and we all greatly enjoyed his company... until it was time to go to bed. He was absolutely set on sleeping in someone's nice warm bed with them! If you sat up he would instantly be laying where your back was... where it was warm! So after numerous kick out attempts I discovered that the more I pushed him out the more fun he thought it was... so finally I wrapped my blanket tight around me and rolled over and went to sleep! That dog woke me numerous times and I was getting frustrated with him.

In the morning he was gone, and one of the Sinagua Walkers said he heard his owner, a nearby rancher, pick him up. "Good," I thought. But, as I looked around for my things under my shelter I realized that everything aside from my blanket, which I was wrapped up in, was spread around camp. I sighed, knowing it was the work of our new friend and I set about gathering up my things and putting them back under my shelter. This was early Saturday morning... by noon on Sunday we had helped the new Sinagua Walkers complete all the skills they would need, on a basic level, to survive out here for six weeks... so we began to pack.

I packed up everything and was happy with the small size of my pack. I realized I still had my mocassins on so I headed over to grab my boots and put them on... I paused... "Where were they," I thought to myself... They were not where I had left them... they weren't by my shelter at all! Then it hit me... the dog had drug a few other people's hiking boots around camp as well... but we found all theirs! Grrr... we set about looking for my shoes and spent nearly an hour looking for them... I am certain that we all walked right by them, because they are brown and blend in with the desert sand perfectly... but we didn't find them.

After looking for awhile I counted them as lost and finished packing. We hiked a little over a mile through catclaw, cactus, creekbed, brush and rock with me in my mocassins. And walking in mocassins is a little different than walking in boots... you can feel the terrain much more acutely. Contrary to what I, or others, thought however, the mocassins were actually quite nice to hike in! I later joked with a support staff member that, "I've always heard you'd lose your boots and more for kicking a woman out of your bed... but I'd never thought about a dog..."

This week on the trail, even though it was only for three days was a wonderful outing and one that I am glad I was priviledged to go on. While on the trail I thought long and hard about my decision to go to law school... am I going because I find it interesting... useful? because I feel called to do it? or is it, rather, something comfortable - something known which I want to pursue in an effort to put off taking a leap of faith into the unknown? Is is a way to inflate my ego and justify the image I hold of myself?

I know wha tI want to do in my life and where I want to end up... I am surrounded by opportunities to do just that - at this moment in time... and yet I have not been able to bring myself to take that leap of faith. As I contemplate this dilemna I seek law school a way for me to prove something to myself and the world... I see law school as a way to add value to myself but not yet give anything in return... I see it as a way to avoid doing what I am afraid to do most - take my talents and share them before the world. I feel as if I have chosen to hide my talents for fear of rejection and have thus begin to justify other, alternative paths... In saying all of this I believe my choice is made up... I know what I must do - not because of any of the pro's or con's of the situation or the alternatives but because I know what I expect of myself in this situation.

Thus it is the result of this week that law school has become an option. I will take the LSAT in either September or December, probably December, and see what offers come of my performance there. I will take the Arbinger Facilitator certification course as soon as finances permit and complete the TAPOC program through Newfield as well as the Incubator program with Edgewalkers beginning the first part of this next year. From there my own practice will begin and I will begin to offer seminars around the world. I will begin to offer my talents and gifts before the world in the hope that they will benefit another in his or her life... in his or her journey. I will take that step into uncertainty, into darkness, and trust that God will guide my steps.

May your steps be guided as you step into the uncertainty surrounding the fulfillment and accomplishment of your dreams and the growth and expansion of your skills, talents and abilities. May you never choose the known over the unknown and sacrifice or retard your dream as a result.

Fight or Flight?!

We are such interesting creatures... and we live in worlds of fiction which we largely create in our own minds. This week I have been wondering on what I wrote in my last post. Are my trucks keeping me mediocre... probably not... it is my weakness to overindulge myself and justify my actions in doing so that is keeping me mediocre... it could be a truck, a video game, a sport, excercise, diet... it does not matter what it is - anything taken to the extreme or over-indulged in becomes a draining force in life.

I realized that just a moment ago when I noticed that I was blaming my trucks for making me or giving me the opportunity to be mediocre. This week I realize that it is my actions, thoughts, and desires... the mediocre ones which I choose to follow. So, a different question arose in my mind... do I keep my truck now and hold the hot coal that is burning me until I learn to control my own weakness or do I sell it and let the truck go - and then run away and avoid anything else I could go overboard in? I am starting to favor the first, the truck presents me two options - the option of responsibility and the option of blame. I can blame it for my predicament and my weaknesses, finding comfort therein, or I can blame myself for my weaknesses and address them, face them.

Facing anything, let alone my own weaknesses, self-defeating behaviors and self-deceptions has never been something that came naturally to me. Standing up, resisting, I have traditionally engaged in when something extremely important to me was on the line or as a last resort. Otherwise I run away, that is how I deal with things. I retreat and observe them from a distance... I understand them very well from observation but when locked in combat with them I run away.

So this week I shall contemplate further on this question - is it I who must change? or must I simply recognize my own weaknesses and avoid anything which could become as the truck in my life... anything I could go overboard and overindulge myself in at high personal expense? I think I already know the answer but only time will tell...

What about in your life? Have you traditionally held on to the things that stop you? Have you realized that it is not the things which stop you, but you yourself? Have you traditionally removed all such influences from your life on a regular basis in the hopes of removing the problem? One addresses behavior, the other the root source - the self. Contemplate your own life and see if these ideas have value therein.

This was my off week - as I work in a wilderness survival program every other week. Last night they called and asked if I could help out this week as well and I agreed that if they "really needed me" I could. After two hours of calls I was the only possibility so I agreed. I go out today - spend four days in the wilderness - come home and spend one day here, then go back out for my normal shift and rotation. Enjoy your week and may your thoughts and actions be production... may we, each of us, step out of our own ways and let the light we hold so tightly shine all the more brightly.

Dreams and Mediocrity

Recently, while out in the serenity of the wilderness, I had an awakening of sorts. I have always been a spiritual individual and in touch with my dreams, hopes and desires... I know there are certain things I should go and accomplish, places I should go, people I should meet, things I should do... and yet in many instances I seem to be unable to follow the pull of those experiences...

Money has been the limiting factor in a number of the ventures I wish to participate in and it was this week I realized that it is time I sell my trucks. I have built them from the ground up into formidable rock crawling machines! I enjoy the accomplishment I feel when I look at them... knowing that I built them with my own two hands... and yet this week I realized something.

It is this - that as long as I have my trucks I will continue to sink my time, talents and money into them... and not into the places, peoples and experiences with whom and which I feel I should be engaged. From a spiritual perspective there are always forces of light and darkness working in our lives. The awakening that struck me this week was the fact that the darkness doesnt care if we are horrible, mean and nasty people... only that we are not alive and living in the light... the darkness is perfectly content with us being mediocre and comfortable in life.

That is why I must sell my trucks - I can have them or my dreams... but not both. If I keep my trucks I will continue to put money into them and in a very real sense, choose to give up my dreams for something much more mediocre... why... because of the comfort of a feeling and satisfaction I know and the fear of losing even that and not finding it again. Yet at the same time I know in pursuing my dreams there will be individuals, places, peoples, and experiences which will bless my life and open my mind to an extent I cannot yet imagine. These will serve to satisfy my soul and give wings to my heart and mind.

What is it in your life that you are attached to? What keeps you chained to mediocrity and from accomplishing the dreams you feel pulled to achieve? What keeps you from experiencing the expeirences you somehow know you should have? What is your achilles heel? Mine has been my trucks - nothing else in my life I am solidly attached to at this time... my trucks are the only thing that keep me here at this time and the moment I clearly saw the decision between my trucks and my dreams the decision was made.

Some may say... well why not have both?! With time we come to know ourselves and what we will do... I know that if I keep my trucks more time and money will go into them... if I remove them from my life that time and money will go to other worthy goals and progressive endeavors.

Do you know yourself? Are you trying to alter your life while tightly clutching the very vice which keeps you where you are? Look at your life and see what things you need to let go of... it will be hard... but it is worth it... what is worth more - your comfort or your dream?