It is a year ago tomorrow that I spoke at my little brothers funeral. We arrived here at the cabin two nights ago after going through the Twin Falls temple to perform a few religious ceremonies for my deceased brother. As I looked at a sheet I was handed listing out my brothers descendents I realized that it was blank... I cried realizing that while I am living there will be no names to fill those lines.
Once we arrived at the cabin I had a little bit of an emotional evening... mostly due to the fact that I slept 30 minutes in the 40 some odd hours before arriving at the cabin. All week long on the trail at Anasazi I had been sleeping 2-4 hours a night because of having to perform night watch all week. After 8 days and nights of draining physical and emotional activity on the trail I arrived home at 1:00 am on Thursday morning and performed the long list of things I had to get done before heading to the airport at 5:00 am. Tammy (a young woman who is living with my family) gave me a ride to the airport and I caught a flight to Salt Lake City. I was seated next to a very interesting one and a half year old who didnt let me sleep much so that flight wasn't very restful although it was a lot of fun.
The next flight from Salt Lake to Twin Falls is where I slept for 30 minutes or so... because of the lack of sleep my brain did not think as logically as it does usually. This was a good thing in the long run. I arrived here and Aaron and Scott (two of my best friends who are both dating my sisters) were already here with my family. I was apparently relegated to the small couch or the floor from the sound of things that Scott, Aaron and my two sisters said - with one of my sisters saying, "Well, some of us were here first..." I snapped back with a comment about how that comment and others like it was the very reason why I didnt ride to the cabin with them from Twin Falls... how although I dont mind joking around a little bit when all four of them jump on me it get's too deep to fast and what they say hurts. I stormed outside, disgusted at myself for losing my temper, and headed down the road toward the bridge where I always tend to sit and think when I am here at the cabin. Joshua and I spent many moments sitting and talking about life down by that bridge.
As I walked down the road towards the bridge I realized a few things, aided by the fact that I was so emotional due to my lack of sleep. One of the things that struck me was how I, who am seemingly never attached to anything, was and am very very attached to the Cabin. The Cabin is my sacred place, my retreat from the world, where I go to escape... and now my sacred place had been invaded. Had I felt normal that thought might not have struck me as it had.
Scott came to find me. He is a great friend and probably the truest friend I have in my life right now not related by blood. We talked for a time when he found me down by the river and he decided to sleep on the smaller couch so that I could sleep on the longer one that my brother and I always used to fight over. The bed Aaron slept on is one that was either Joshua's or mine when we shared a room but for some reason it doesnt hold the same emotional charge as the couch does. I had time to think things through and see clearly why I was so angry and why I felt so violated before Scott got there. I talked with each person individually and apologized to them and simultaneously thanked them for helping me to realize how much this place means to me.
It is often the trying experiences of our lives which hold the greatest lessons and although we do not wish to repeat the experience, whether for our own sake or the sake of others, we would never exchange the lessons earned by the experience of them.
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